A time for refelction

I have sat down many times to recap the past year but the words just didn’t seem to be there.  Recently, I have had our last year and our lives on my mind and decided that I should do this, that I NEEDED to write this down.  In a lot of ways I am so glad that we are through the year.  I know that sounds a bit sad, since I should want to keep Colby a little boy forever.  But I feel otherwise and there is a certain amount of guilt I have for feeling that way.  Don’t get me wrong, we had some really good times and great memories, it was just a challenging year emotionally, mentally and physically.

The year has changed Luke and I in many ways….some more obvious.  We now have a toddler, and that is crazy.  We get up religiously at 6:00am each day and we try to eat dinner close to 6:00pm.  We can no longer just head out the door on a whim…..there must some prior planning and packing of sippy cup, snack, diaper, wipes, etc.  The less obvious are how much more cautious I am when I have him with me.  Maybe that is just the mother in me, but I always find myself thinking that I have to protect him from anything I can, because I couldn’t protect him from his cleft.  We are more loving towards each other in times of stress.  I now depend on Luke in so many more ways. Being emotional isn’t really me.  But after the experiences we have gone through, I could not have done it without him by my side.  There were so many times when I just couldn’t be the strong.  I needed him to take the lead and he did and I am grateful for that.

In this last year I have learned that “perfect” like beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I realize that Colby wasn’t born “perfect” in normal baby terms.  In the beginning that was hard to take in.  Yes we had some idea before he was born, but I don’t think you really grasp something like this can happen to you until it does.  I instantly loved him to death but also felt sadness because I knew we were going to be walking up a hill in the years to come.  Now, I can’t imagine Colby any other way and he is “perfect”.  Yes, his nose is a little different and his lip a little thinner and his teeth not straight, but all those things make him OUR boy.  I wouldn’t change him one bit.  Yes, I would change the fact that his little body has gone through more surgeries than some adults (including myself) have been through, but that is it.  I would just change the circumstances, not him.  Someday, his lip scar will make him sexy and all the ladies will be wishing he was theirs :)!

I have learned to take advantage of help.  When people say, “how can I help?”  Take it, give them a job and be thankful for that help.

We have learned to live on less. 

We have learned that we have the most courageous and resilient little man, EVER!  Enough said.

I have also learned to be more conscience of other children with special needs.  That is something that I am eternally grateful for.  Each of these special babies needs our understanding and their families need our support.  I know Colby’s condition could be so much worse and I praise God that we have the ability to provide him with the care he needs.  

Looking forward, hopefully the years ahead will be a little easier and that we will continue to learn and grow as a family with Colby.